Middle school is coming. This is completely uncharted territory for me as a parent and I am both excited and terrified. The part I am least prepared for, the part I fear the most is the emotional/social drama. I got a little taste of it tonight and it's breaking my heart.
Let's revisit my own late elementary/middle school experience shall we?
I don't remember having a lot of friends when I was Engineer's age. I know I had a few, I definitely had a few kids that I hung out with and went to sleepovers occasionally, but I can remember playing at recess by myself a lot. Maybe that was just an introvert thing, maybe it was a friends thing, or maybe it was just me not wanting to play what other people were playing.
I can remember good times with friends and I can remember hurtful times with friends. I called a friend for a play date once in the third or fourth grade and I could hear her tell her mom she didn't want to play with me. When I was in fifth or sixth grade, I asked some of my little girl friends if they thought I was pretty and they said, "no, not really." Kids are kind of mean but I don't think it's always intentional so much as it is thoughtlessness.
I entered seventh grade (the start of junior high for me) fairly alone. My one good friend had moved to another school and even though I knew some of the kids, I didn't feel particularly close to anyone. I put on a brave face and went forward. Over time, I developed some friendships, some that panned out, some that didn't. Some that decided to ditch me for no good reason. (I remember an incident where a bunch of them had written me a nasty letter, that some kind soul deemed to mean to ever deliver to me and I never read it thank goodness, but was nevertheless scarred.) That first year was super rough, but I survived. By the time I got to high school, I felt like I had some friends, I was part of a group, but then I made completely new ones and found my niche in theater and drama.
I would say I didn't have true friends until the end of middle school and into high school.
My sweet little Engineer is 11 years old. For most of his elementary school days he has played with girls, because he wasn't into sports and he is a sensitive guy who cries a lot and has three sisters. He's at this point now where girls are STUPID. And not like he thinks girls are stupid, but the girls are at the age where they start being mean and catty and I think they are growing tired of my son and his quirks and they would rather hang out only with girls so they can talk about boys and makeup and periods and training bras and stuff. They aren't being very nice to him.
The boys his age are MACHO. They like sports and sports and SPORTS. Engineer does not like sports. He likes video games and Star Wars and music. He is also very sensitive and introverted and quirky and he overreacts and he cries a bit.
Something set him off tonight and he was just SOBBING in his room.
"I think there is something wrong with me that makes me cry all the time," he says and he follows it up with:
"Our school theme song is a LIE. It says 'Everyone here cares about me' but I feel like no one cares about me at all."
Heart sufficiently broken.
Being a parent really is like having a piece of your heart walking around outside of you. He is going to be in middle school in 6 months, walking around isolated on the inside and not knowing how to make friends. Kids are going to be mean to him and there is nothing I can do to stop it or make them befriend him. All I can do is pack him up and send him out there and hope he survives it. I can dry his tears and tell him how great I think he is and then go cry and blog about my own broken heart.
I never knew when I left junior high that I would have to experience it all over again (4 times, lucky me) and Engineer hasn't even gone yet!
Parenting is tough. There have been some other tough things, and some scary things and some frustrating things I have been through. But I would have to say watching my kids struggle with friends and feelings of loneliness is so much more difficult than I would have ever thought it to be. I feel so helpless and so low and it hurts.
I sort of believe he will come out on the other side of this with friends and a social group where he can find his place. I am trying to look ahead with faith, but really, I want a fast forward button. And some really good chocolate and some kleenex.
