Bad Mom

I yelled at my kids today.  The rage yell.  The yell they didn't deserve because I was crazy hormonal and the four year old had pooped in her pants yet again in spite of me putting her on the toilet several times today and reminding her and bribing her with stickers and technology.  I didn't even yell at the four year old, I just put a diaper on her and sent her to bed. I yelled at everybody else because the house was a mess and I was tired and I am tired of the poop.

And I just went total psycho witch and said things no kid should hear their mom say.

Then I went in my bedroom closet and asked God to just make it stop.  I asked him to make me stop having PMS ever and I asked him to make the four year old start pooping where she should.  Then I laid on my bed staring off into space feeling like a bad mom.

The twelve year old (my only son) comes in my room and says, "Mom, I know you are having a bad day, but I read an article that says your pets can help you with stress." I said thank you and apologized for yelling.  He pushed the cat towards me and left.

I called my ten year old daughter in (who I yelled at the most and who is most affected by that kind of thing) and she laid on my stomach and we hugged.  I asked her if she thought I was a bad mom.

"Sometimes you are," she said.  "Right now you are a good mom."  I told her I was sorry.

The twelve year old came back and said, "Mom, I know you are having a bad day, but I want you to know that I love you.  Even when you yell at us, I still love you.  I just wanted you to know and I hope you start having a better day soon."

"You're a good son," I said.

"I know," he replied.

I called the eight year old in and asked her if she was doing her piano homework.  She said she was, and she left.

The naughty sauce preschooler comes in my room.  I am lying on my back staring at the ceiling and she climbs on me and gives me a hug.  I tell her she needs to start using the potty for pooping.  She gives me a bunch of adorable reasons for why she didn't use it and then as I give her another hug, I feel that she has no diaper or anything on her bottom.  Which of course was funny to me, and then justified by more four year old nonsense from her.  Her diaper was discarded on her bedroom floor.

The kids ate most of the blueberries I bought at Costco today, but when I went downstairs I found this:

(I had eaten a few before the picture, but there still weren't many left)

Sometimes I feel like a bad mom.  Sometimes I probably am a bad mom. Sometimes I feel like I am not the right mom for my kids, like someone else would be a better fit for them and their personal struggles and their shenanigans.  Sometimes I worry that I have dropped all the balls and am failing drastically and it's never going to work out for them to grow into good people and functional adults.  I want them to grow up to be kind and considerate and not to have their inner negative voice sound like my voice (I want to strangle whoever started that internet meme...) But today, after feeling like such a failure and feeling like such a bad mom, I realized, I must be doing something right to have kids like these.  I may not always feel like the right mom for them, but today they were the right kids for ME.  

I'm pretty sure my four year old will poop in her pants again, fairly certain the PMS isn't going away, and try as I will, I will probably yell again.  I will keep wiping the bums, making mistakes and apologies and will continue to pick up all the pieces and try to put them together again.  I am fairly certain my kids will turn out just fine without too much emotional scarring and am hopeful that my good mom days will outnumber my bad mom days.  As long as these people keep saving the last of the blueberries for me on the bad days, I think we will all get along just fine.