All right I just read some of Daring Young Mom's posts and laughed my guts out. So now I feel a wee bit guilty posting this post, but hey, this is MY blog. No one makes you read it. (Unless you are Charming, in which case you have NO CHOICE.)
So, for those of you who don't know, I have struggled with post partum depression since the birth of my second child, S. It was very much triggered by some pretty crap-ola circumstances. (IE the hub started a new job in suckville 2 days after she was born, I had no car, he worked long hours, no one came to stay with me, S wouldn't go to sleep at night before 1 am and then was up every two hours, and then a couple months later we picked up and moved back to Utah from Washington within a week.)
My depression got really bad when we came to Utah. Mostly because I had lived in Utah for five years while going to school, and always in my mind, was looking to the day when we would go back to Seattle. We lived in Seattle for 8 months before we came back to Utah. I felt like we had failed, and that I had lost my dream. In a sense, what I was experiencing was grief.
So the other day, I was driving through town and I started to feel really good. I felt like this is home, and I am okay with that. I actually kind of like it here. And the funny thing is today in the middle of feeling good about where we live, I started to get serious anxiety. Like I couldn't let go of my depression-- it's been with me for so long, that I wouldn't know what to do if it left. I felt as though I would be losing a faithful friend if I started to feel better. And also, if I started to enjoy Woods Cross, that I would somehow be betraying Seattle and giving up on the hope that we might someday live there again. Is that strange? I should want to be happy where I am at, shouldn't I?
I don't know, maybe I am a looney. Sorry if this is less than upbeat. Just wanted to send it out there.
5 comments:
If you're upbeat all the time, people will begin to hatte you, at least I know I will.
It's hard to let go of anything we're used to feeling. I had a way hard time admitting I loved it there when we got married. Eventually I did though and now I always "casually mention" going back.
The big "D" will go away. It has too. And then you can tell me now to get rid of it. :)
You're not crazy at all...or ALL women are crazy and we all know that CAN'T be so (unless you ask a man) I can't believe how many I know who have felt that same way and we're all so glad when someone else talks about it, b/c we don't feel so alone.
Ortensia: A Canadian friend of Daring
You're going to make it, Steph. I agree about the holding on to our struggles. I think it's just part of life we can't let go of. You are awesome. After watching Daring go through it, I have an amazing awe for anyone who makes it. You can do it!
as a new visitor who previously knew your voice only from the comments section on heather's blog (morceaux de fromage), i am obviously no expert on you (or anything else!).
but you're no looney and you're in good company as a mom of young kids.
and you're a good writer! i will keep visiting. now i have two blogs from utah to check regularly (maybe i'll become an expert on utah? hee hee).
Oh, wow, you all made me feel so much better. I am glad to know that I am not some kind of crazy. Thanks for your support.
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