An Open Letter to My Post-Baby Breasts

Dear Madams,

First of all, I would like to thank you for your usefulness to me these past three years or so. I am ever grateful for your willingness to feed and soothe my two sweet babies. It has been amazing to me, that with minimal effort on my part (save those first initial weeks, sorry about that) you have been able to manufacture delicious and nutritious food for my children. You are wonderful. Thanks for all the hard work!

I would now like to make some suggestions as to areas in which you could improve.

First, I will be ever grateful to you for the boost in cup size I received during my first pregnancy. But I would like to know if you could take the stretch marks back. I no longer want them, and while it is rather exotic, the excitement of having Tiger Boobs, has worn off.

Secondly, I think I would like to start sending you gals memos to let you know when S will be dropping a feeding. This way we can avoid the little "engorgement" issue we've been having lately. I figure if I drop you some advanced notice, then perhaps you won't make any milk when there will not be any customers at the "dairy." I do appreciate your foresight, but I don't like the engorgement.

Which brings me to my third suggestion. Can you two get it together and start communicating with each other? While one of you is busy making milk, the other one seems to be snoozing on the job, and quite frankly I am tired of being lopsided boob lady. Try and keep your production levels equal, so you match each other in size. This will help me in my clothing options, and maintain my "balance," so to speak.

Also, now that S is over a year, do you think you could stop making milk that tastes good? I want her to want to wean herself, and I thought maybe if you made it taste gross, she'd want to quit sooner. Just curious.

And finally, do you think you'll be returning to your original shape and form soon? I mean, I am amazed at your new stretching and flopping abilities, but it isn't that fun to have to hold onto you both when I go down the stairs or run on the treadmill. I am getting a little annoyed with having to pull you out of my armpits, too. You've become semi-inconvenient to me in this way. But I don't want to rush you-- I myself know it is a little hard to get back into shape. I was just wondering. And hoping.

In conclusion, I wish you both the best. You really are doing quite a fine job and I am looking forward to many more productive years together. And if you heed my advice, we may all be happier, and our relationship is sure to improve.

Best Regards,

Your Body