Okay, so right now I am an ill mommy. A very ill mommy indeed. I have a head cold and morning sickness, and Utah is oh so very dry and I my eyeballs feel like... something very dry. Raisins. That's a good one.
So it isn't a very good mom day. The children are being cared for by Nanny Video and I am blogging and very soon will be on the couch for the rest of the day, convincing my three year old to bring me cheese and gatorade.
And I think about death. Death for this blog, that is. I am sure all five of you are very sad, funeral services will be held at...
No, seriously. I don't know how long I can do this. The blog has been a great outlet for me, but in many ways, I expect it to do more than it does, and this disappoints and discourages me. I feel like I don't have things to say anymore and it's oh so very time-consuming, and my life needs flesh and blood look-me-in-the-eyes-let-me-hear-your-voice readers, oh wait, I mean friends.
Not to put my whine on (again) but oh how I am struggling here in the Beehive State in my nice little house with my adorable children. I get so jealous of Charming who gets to go to an office everyday and be surrounded by-- people. Even if he doesn't talk to them (and I know he does) at least they are there, and that is so appealing to me. And I love my children, but my brain and my soul require conversation beyond, "Do you have to go potty?" and "What do you want? Oh more (fill in kid food here)." And the ever popular, "Stop doing that to your sister! Crying means she doesn't like it."
My neighborhood people are just not so very outgoing or friendly. Everyone is nice, but outgoing and friend maker types, no. And let me tell you I have tried to make friends. I tried joining a mom's club and basically found no warm reception (one lady actually said she didn't make an effort because the club had already helped her make friends.) I have done a lot, held playgroups and different things, but I just can't anymore. I just, at this point am tired (and for the next little bit, sick) and I can't get out there and hit it hard for friends anymore. And most of them don't really have the need to get to know other people because they either a. already have friends or b. live about 5 minutes from their mommys or c (and this is weird in Mormonville) have another job. I am so jealous.
I am so sorry. I am such a whiner.
So the blog, the blog may have to go, since it affects my self esteem in such weird and probably not normal ways. My family sometimes reads it, I think, but they never comment so it's like a one sided conversation into the empty air. It makes me sad and annoyed.
Changes must be made in this life of mine. I don't know what they are, and quite frankly, I have been struggling to figure that out for the past 18 months. But the blog, the blog may have to go. Or at least, it will have to come back with some cheerier topics.
Again apologies from the unhappy mommy lady.
6 comments:
I too feel very much the same as you do. I struggle to find things to write about and hope and pray people will comment. I guess I expected all my friends to say something everyday and for some strangers to find my site and feel the say I do. But when I look at your site you always have more comments then me. I've always been the least popular one. Do what you have to do to be happy. I'm finally starting to get happy here, although most of me will always want to be "home". I don't know what it is that for some people they never have to do the hard work to make friends and others have to be the ones to put in the work. Well I've started to take a more active roll in getting to meet people. There are a couple families that we get together at least one monday a month and do FHE for those of you who know what that is (just family time). Then we started a recipe club that we try to do every month. We had to make the effort and eventually found people who were willing to give some back. Keep trying. If at first you don't succeed TRY TRY AGAIN. I know how hard it is and sometimes you just wish you were the one people would invite and you didn't have to do the planning. But I think our family is the planners around here. I realized that many of the families we do stuff with felt very much the same way we did, but they didn't do anything. I finally got sick of it and had to do something or I was going to go crazy. Good luck with it. If that means you stop blogging, that's what it means, just know I'll miss it.
HW- thanks. And I don't think you are the least popular one. Good suggestions, I am going to make an effort again.
Moonface- I love your blog, and don't worry, I don't think I am actually leaving the blogosphere.
Don't go! I need you, too. I've thought about deleting mine, today, too. I just can't however, because I care too much. I've found an outlet more constructive than so many other things I could be doing. Because you will always need an outlet, an escape. I just ask myself, is this more or less productive than escapist TV watching. Then I am reminded that this is a major improvement. I would miss you if you left!
I have had your same feelings many a times. Today I am feeling happy about blogville but who knows when that will end.
Just yesterday though, I was having a melt-down about what I want out of life. I often think of what you blogged about once about the conference you went to where that women said 'think of what you would do if there was nothing in your way, then do it'. I try to think of that when I feel like my life sucks. What would make it better? And I even think about all the things I never thought I'd do, like work full time or part time. But thinking of all the solutions, whether they'll be right or wrong later on, helps me to realize that I do have choices and if what I'm doing now isn't making me happy, have I really made a great choice? Is there another choice, that maybe isn't very 'conventional' but would make me happier, hence making my family happier?
I'd miss you if you stopped posting, but I would totally understand if you did. And I wish we lived closer b/c we could start our own playgroup and talk about all sorts of great things and be intellectual...all face to face:-)
You were right about this post. :)
I like the background. Actually, love.
Sorry you were sick. I love "raisin eyes". :)
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