Got Friends?

“Raise your hand if you don't need or want any more friends,” said the Relief Society teacher one Sunday. One woman actually had the audacity to raise her hand and say she didn't think she could handle having any more. Hard for me to picture it coming from her, as she had always seemed unfriendly and intimidating. I couldn't see how she could have more than a couple of comrades.

But no one else did. In a room of twenty or so women, all living in the same neighborhood, only one dared to say she didn't need any more friends. And though my heart reached out to these sisters, I was nonetheless perplexed, for I had found difficulty in making friends with this same group of women. Were they just too scared to raise their hands? Or had no one ever taught them how to make friends?

It's interesting, I think, how we go about making friends. How we bring people into our circle. The circumstances under which we begin sharing our lives with others. When we are small, like my children, we become friends with whoever mom invites over for playdates or the neighborhood kids that we see when we go outside. Our friendships are based on proximity. And yet, even in my small children, I can see that they have preferences. Some children, for whatever reason, they do not get along with at all.

So sometimes, our friends are the people we see everyday, like in high school or in the workplace. Other times, we make friends with someone just because we like them. Their personality clicks with ours, or we are otherwise drawn to them. And if they like us too, this is great. We call each other to hang out and talk and it is enjoyable for everyone.

But what I want to talk about is becoming friends with someone out of need. Sometimes it is just the mutual need for friendship, but often it is because we need them or they need us for some other reason. When I moved back to Utah over a year ago, I needed friends. I needed support, I needed a whole lot of help because I was struggling with a deep and desperate depression. A neighbor, Aussie, filled that need for me. We became friends. Later, when I was doing much better, I struggled because I could not help Aussie in the ways she had helped me. It wasn't until she allowed me to serve her, that I felt true friendship grow between us.

I don't like the feeling of one-sided friendship. Mostly, I don't like it when I am not needed by my friends. It is hard to constantly give and never recieve (something I have experienced only once) but I would still rather be on the end that gives more than on the end that cannot give at all. And yet, if I do not allow others to give to me, then where is the mutuality of the friendship?

I think this is where my sisters in Relief Society are falling short. They are willing to give, but they are less willing to be given to. In our church we have a program called Visiting Teaching. Two women are paired together in a companionship and they are assigned two or more other sisters for whom they are to watch over, to visit, and to befriend. It is a wonderful program that I deeply love. The problem I have found is this: at the end of each visit the visiting teaching companionship asks the sister they visit if she needs anything. She very, very often says no. What does this say to that companionship? It says, to me at least, I don't need you and I don't need friends. It makes it hard for the relationship to be anything but superficial. Even if all she said was, "I need you to keep visiting me," a stronger bond would develop.

This all goes back to Kathryn's post about being real. For example, there is a girl that I visit teach, K, and she is a lovely girl with two small children, just younger than mine, and her husband works long hours, and she is far from her family. This to me screams need. At first, I thought this would be a great opportunity for friendship, and we are friends to a certain extent, but she always tells us when we visit that she has no needs. She is striving so hard for independence and trying to fight the fight alone, that is hard for us to become truly close.

And yet I have become really good friends with Cate, another girl I visit. She is so open about her needs, even though she doesn't necessarily ask for assistance. She is real, and fun to be with. We have become good friends because we could both fill needs for each other. She is ready and willing to serve me, and I do the same for her. She has family close by, like so many in our neighborhood, but yet she needs and wants friends, and so here we are.

There is so much more I want to say, but this has become a long post as it is. But to conclude, I say this, life is hard and it is too short to try and go it alone. If you come across as having no needs, you will be passed over and seen as someone who is "covered," as in, taken care of, no effort needed here. If you need friends, be a friend, but let others be a friend to you as well. Be who you are, you don't need to over-reveal, but you don't need to conceal either. Allowing others to see our life's imperfections creates connections.