What I really want to be...

Charming is asleep. I hate it when he goes to bed before me and doesn't tell me. I am not really tired, so-oo-oo...

I have been thinking a lot the past couple of days about what is missing in my life. I've gone off of my lexapro, and am trying to keep off of it, but it's been rough. And you know, I am lonely. A lot of the different things I have been trying to do to fill my "void" as it were, I have done because I need a consistent and regular social outlet. I haven't been here very long and though I have tried, I haven't found any great clubs or play groups or anything. It has required major effort on my part to make friends.

So, on another note, but along the same lines, a few weeks ago I went to the Utah Women's Show with my sister in law-- let's call her Cougie. That's kind of a funny name, but oh well, moving on. So Cougie (tee-hee) and I were at this show and we went to a presentation about starting your own business. The lady that spoke said something that really stuck with me and it was this: "Think of what you would do if there was nothing standing in your way, and then do that." I thought about all the businessy things I would do, and I sort of picked one and for a while flew with that idea.

But you know what? Nothing on my list is what I would really do if there was nothing stopping me. Really what I would love to do is be a professional vocalist. A recording artist. A performer. Oh my gosh, I am getting teary just thinking about it. I love the stage, I love singing-- I didn't do enough of it in college and I regret it. I love singing for people-- I don't even think I really want to be famous, but whenever I see someone, an opera singer or some soloist, performing on tv, I get utterly and completely jealous. I even try to pick out her flaws to convince myself that she's not any better than me. I wish it were me up there. I really do.

Now, not to toot my own horn, but I am a talented singer. My Heavenly Father gave my mother and I an almost identical but beautiful voice. I studied music in college-- with a lot of other really talented people, who made me feel small by comparison-- but still, I was good enough to get into the program, so if that's any indicator, I'm pretty good. And though I can say this candidly on the blog, on the inside I am worrtying what you all will think of me for saying this. And I am worrying that those of you who have heard me sing, will be thinking, "whatever, you're not that good." On the inside, I don't think I could ever make it, I'm not that great.

It's funny, because when I was doing NANOWRIMO, the daring young sisters both said they were afraid to write, in case what they wrote was not very good. I didn't understand this AT ALL because quite frankly, they are assuredly better writers than me, andI was not in the least bit afraid of writing doo-doo. I had no trepidation approaching the project at all.

It makes me wonder, maybe we really are just afraid of success. Or we cling so tight to our dreams that we can't make them a reality. The areas where we are truly talented and could be great, seem to be the areas we are afraid to approach. Why is that? Why do we run from our own gifts? Why do we hide our light under a bushel, instead of on a candlestick?

Now, obviously I am a mom now, and I love my children, but somedays I feel like there is this great big ball of talent burning inside of me and I am doing nothing with it. Nothing. But I don't even know what I am supposed to do with it. It makes me sad and confused. And small. Very small.

Sorry for the long blog, but I just had to get it out there.

What do you think? What would you do?